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australia, ocean

Detours off Britta Blvd

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australia, ocean
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Just suffering from winter blues I hope...

I'm stuck again in a vicious cycle of feeling unworthy & unwanted, let alone ugly & fat, and I understand that no one will want to be around me until I can change my attitude, nor will anyone else ever think I'm attractive until I think so myself. I'm even having a hard time finding anyone else attractive which sure doesn't bode well. I keep trying to smile anyway and bring up my mood by tackling projects, but I'm just not meant to be a loner, so projects & kitties can only go so far to keep me company. Everyone is so busy with their own lives that have passed me by that I feel I'm intruding. I'm having a bad couple weeks of bad moods leading to eating comforting foods in hopes of pepping up my mood, but then I just beat myself up for not sticking to my diet. I know I need to be patient with myself to get back into the WW points mode, but it's still frustrating. I hope I can get my confidence back eventually, but no matter how hard I've been trying to do that since February 2005 I haven't really gotten there, so I'm afraid I still have a long way to go. I'm just not feeling very hopeful these days, especially when compared to all the wonderful things in many of my friends' lives lately, my life is so sorely lacking. The few minor good things I'm clinging to are that I'm back to doing my Torso Track every morning, which I haven't done since I got whiplash, and I had been slacking on my daily vitamins, flossing and mouthwash, and I've been able to stick to all those again since the holidays, so that's something...and at least my kitties can still make me smile.


So, in hopes of getting my groove back but not feeling very creative at the moment, and boosted by my $1222 grand total ad revenue for 2007, I've been chipping away on getting ads in more places on my website, so at least I can start earning money from existing content while I'm not posting new content yet. Since the beginning of the year, I have finally finished reorganizing my travels section to link to Gallery albums & blog entries, so at least it's a list of all my travels even if you can't see content yet. All the costume pages and mystery party pages now have ads, and I'm now a paid LJ account so I can embed my blog on britta.com so I can put my own ads around it. So if you're not reading me on your LJ flist and you read my blog, please bookmark this new URL below, just in case there might be an ad you'd like to click someday, and help out my dream of earning my living off my creativity instead of this drudgery of a dayjob I currently have. :)

http://www.britta.com/blog.html

We have choir retreat rehearsal all weekend, which has been my least favorite part of choir for nine years now, so I know my mood doesn't have much chance of improving until after the weekend anyway since I'll be exhausted from rehearsing music I'm not really enjoying. I sincerely hope that next week will be better!

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I am so totally right there with you re: self-image. Have been for an awfully long time, too, and it's really hard to pull out of. I was so good! I went to the gym on Monday and Tuesday and was better about eating...and then the coughing came back and now I'm completely out of it just from sitting up for a few hours at work, and yeah. -_-

I'm feeling lonely more often than I like to admit, and now that I'm living up here and near friends I can see more often, I can't deny anymore that it's because I wish I had a someone. But I'm clearly not in a good place for being with anyone (as you said above, nobody's going to love me if I don't love myself), and yeah.

*hug* I keep saying this, and I'm really failing to make (or even keep) many plans these days, but we should get together for coffee or something and commiserate about this. ^_^

"I'm stuck again in a vicious cycle of feeling unworthy & unwanted, let alone ugly & fat, and I understand that no one will want to be around me until I can change my attitude, nor will anyone else ever think I'm attractive until I think so myself...

...I'm just not feeling very hopeful these days, especially when compared to all the wonderful things in many of my friends' lives lately, my life is so sorely lacking."


I understand these kinds of feelings, I really do. My circumstances may be different for some of that stuff, but isn't far off on some of it as well. Really having trouble keeping positive about the dating thing; in fact getting closer to the point where I'm gonna start seeing a counselor about it because I either need to figure out how to be happy staying single or how to wrap my brain about the approach to dating and how to be patient.

At my lightest I was nearly 15 pounds down from my current weight and having no end of trouble breaking out of this plateau I'm stuck on. I've ramped up the exercise again but cannot control the eating very well. Ah well... all things in due time.

It is true that I have become very busy. Much like your devotion to projects, I keep myself very busy socially because it keeps me from being home by myself. I'd love to get together with you, for instance to continue watching ST:TOS or any number of other activities; amusingly enough, we (I?) just need to set aside the time.

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